I Had A Panic Attack Today

I had a panic attack today at lunch.

I cut my finger at work, on my can of beets. I was trying to open with a crappy old can opener. You know how it only cuts the can every other turn? I had to pry it open. I foolishly used my fingers on the final pull and sliced the middle one across. Bleeding, in pain, frustrated and annoyed, I walked back to my lunch table and anxiety flooded me, and I faced a panic attack. Racing heart, tears starting, I couldn’t hear the conversations around me or focus on getting back to my seat for lunch.

The anxiety was not because of the cut or annoyance. It was an irrational out of nowhere hit of extreme panic and a feeling of anxiety that consumed every cell in my body and no other thought was escaping this trap that seemed to completely engulf me, severing every connection of mind and body.

Germs. What if I got an infection? The baby had an infection. In the NICU the baby got an infection. A bad infection. An infection that could have killed him. He was on every antibiotic. Every single antibiotic, the strongest they could give him. I don’t really agree with heavy antibiotic use. I didn’t have a choice. It could have killed him. He had to have a chest tube put in to drain it. Another surgery to put the chest tube in. I couldn’t hold him while it was in. Another warning about all the things that could wrong. By this time, I was already in full blown delirium.  Then a couple weeks after his infection was gone, the NICU had an infection break out. Infectious control signs everywhere.  We got moved to another unit, away from all the nurses we knew. Our nurse-to-patient ratio changed. All the things I was scared of getting worse, because of the infection.

And now my finger cut and bleeding. What if I got the infectious disease? What did I touch? Were there germs there at the school that could get me infected? My incredibly healthy neighbor died a few months back from an infection in her toe. How did that happen? How do these things happen? All the things I don’t understand, that don’t make sense. In the hospital I couldn’t understand the day-to-day changes, everything changing so fast. I couldn’t make the best decisions for my baby who needed me because I didn’t understand. What if I touched something that had the germs that give me the infection? Complete anxiety driven panic attack in a matter of 5 minutes from a cut finger and a crappy old can opener.

Thank you for the’ teenager quotes funny video’ playing on my co-worker’s phone when I sat back down to eat. Humor is one of the fastest ways to get back into your calm state of mind, into the neo cortex and out of the instinctive, reactive brain. My co-workers were laughing and thank God it was actually a funny video and so true and relatable how teenagers think and talk. I laughed and could recognize the rapid heart rate, the tears held back, the irrational fear, the shaking, the tightness in my throat, the spiraling, irrational thoughts. I could understand what had just happened and how I had stepped back into the present moment away from the panic narrowly focused on all the scary things that could happen in the future and the sadness and trauma of all that had happened in the past. They say anxiety is in the future, depression is in the past. I think the attacks happen when somehow; we go to both at once. It’s an overwhelming anxiety, fear, panic, sadness, reliving trauma, the body and mind reacting to a stimulus that triggers all of these negative feelings from past and future at once.

I think maybe I had experienced some anxiety over the years, we all do, but I am not a typically anxious person. I wasn’t an anxious person. And panic was not something I dealt with. Until the year I had PTSD, less than two years ago.  Then everything became irrational anxiety, fear and panic. Everything became a trigger.

I have all the tools in place to support me. I know how to recognize and support myself when it happens, I manage it quickly. And it is still a really hard thing to handle. The rest of my day I was stabilizing back out, leveling out, not quite feeling myself again. And in states of chronic, repeating triggering events- when you can’t ever level back, return to your calm state, regulate the nervous system- what happens then? Do you forget what it is like to feel normal without the anxiety? Does it seem normal to feel the intense panic flood over you? These negative emotions escalate so quickly, everything is triggering, and your mind is always spiraling and your body is always in constant survival mode- whatever that might be for you, fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fold.

I can’t imagine what that feels like to like in that constant state. I could feel it, the cortisol pumping, everything racing, shaking. And then the crash. I felt wiped out. AND I KNOW HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND MANAGE THIS, I HAVE THE SUPPORT AND THE CARE SYSTEMS IN PLACE TO HELP ME!!!! What about everyone else who does not? What about everyone else? I just want to walk around and be an anxiety blanket of support and help. I want to teach others how to recognize when it is happening, how to recognize your triggers, how to create regulation tactics to support you in these times. How to quickly get back into the present moment, to practice mindfulness and to ground yourself so that your can work again to ‘One Vibe Higher’ more positive states of being. I want to teach what that tiny bit of peace and calm feels like so that you can keep coming back to it when we need it.

May you find the space and time to abide and connect with your God, your source. Doing the work that you need to do, keeping the fear and negative emotions at bay.